It could have been a relatively minor injustice like not being selected for a team or passed over for a promotion or someone treating you poorly. Some can be major injustices involving major losses. They can be anything from being falsely accused of a crime and being convicted, infected by a disease or injured by someone who was negligent, or being the victim of a crime.

Recovering from an injustice can be quite difficult and take a considerable amount of time. Many times the consequences can affect lives in many ways and for a considerable amount of time (possibly even the rest of someone’s life). I am writing this post because I have fallen victim to an injustice that has had a considerable affect on me and my life. I am writing this from the perspective of a mental health professional and a person trying to work through this issue. I try to use my own experiences in life to illustrate or help the people I have worked with as a professional.

How do you deal an injustice and the effects it has on a substantive as well as an emotional level? These are the type of events that you never anticipated and were not prepared to deal with. We see the man who gets released after spending years in prison when they find he did not commit the crime. We wonder how he was able to deal with the situation. People find themselves in situations that are unjust every day. Many of us have an intellectual understanding the life is not fair. Life just happens and sometimes bad things happen to us for no reason. When faced with these situations we must find a way to cope. We must find a way to continue living a productive and rewarding life. The other alternative is to remain stuck in the anger and depression from something we cannot change.

A good place to start is to process the feelings associated with the situation or event. It is not going to help you in the long run to avoid the feelings or self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, or some behavior (sex, spending, eating, etc.). It is okay to feel sad or depressed, angry, or nervous. These are all natural feelings associated with negative events we experience. It is not a good idea to judge what we think we should or should not be feeling. Let these feelings out. Talk with family and friends, write in a journal, or find some physical way of releasing these emotions. I don’t think it is productive to try to get some meaning about the event or events. If there is a meaning, you will become aware of it after some time has passed.

There is a grieving process that can take place. You can’t decide how long you will grieve. Allow the process to happen no matter the level of pain or discomfort. The longer you resist the feelings and the process the longer it will continue. When you are ready to move on with your life you will begin to accept what is. You will learn to accept those things that you cannot change and get on with your life. Dwelling on the past or the negative things in our lives accomplishes nothing more than keeping us from getting pleasure from life. This is good time to be looking at what you may have learned from the experience.

Eventually, you will get to the point of being able to accept what happened and allow yourself to move on with your life. Thoughts of the event or events enter your mind less often. It also affects your emotional state to a lessening degree. You will begin to heal and more so over time. Healing is an ongoing process and the emotional effects could be with you for a considerable amount of time. In my case, whenever I have to deal with something associated with things that have happened in my life, my feelings surface to some degree.

I am not the type to tell people they can completely heal from all experiences. In some instances this is true. In some instances it is not true. The affect linger. But, you are able to recover and cope and get on with your life.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Advice to Parents: Things You Can Do To Decrease the Likelihood of Your Child Being the Victim of a Sexual Predator

by Jay Tow, M. S.

(written for NAASCA)

Much has been written and discussed about the things we can teach our children in order help them avoid being victims of a sexual predator or molester. We all know about staying away from strangers and good and bad touching. There are steps parents can take beginning early in a child's life (and some prior to becoming a parent) that will significantly decrease the likelihood that a child will be singled out by a predator for grooming and molestation. These involve the parents learning better parenting skills and having healthier attitudes about themselves and about sex and sexuality.

It is important to have healthy coping skills and good self esteem that you want to teach to your children. Young children learn mostly by imitating behaviors and coping skills of parents and caregivers. If you have some unresolved issues including abuse issues or lack healthy coping skills and good self esteem, seek help from a professional prior to starting a family. Predators seek children with poor self esteem and those maladapted to society because they are easiest to groom. I also suggest that those planning to have a family take parenting classes in order to be better prepared for parenthood. There are many things in life you wouldn't think of doing without some formal instruction. I believe that parents can be more affective with preparation and education.

Beginning early in life, children need to become comfortable with their bodies and learn not to be ashamed. We do this by example (for example not appearing uncomfortable if your child finds you in a state of undress) and by using the correct names for all body parts. Referring to genitals with pet names (pee pee, private parts, down there, etc.) indicates that this is a part of the body we need to feel shame about. We don't have special names for other body parts. If someone approaches your child and tries to touch them sexually, they will better equipped to talk to you about it if they feel comfortable discussing those parts of their bodies.

A normal part of being a human being is sexuality and sex. Many parents are very uncomfortable discussing sex with their children. When a child comes to a parent with a question about the body or sex, many parents are flustered and fumble for an answer. This may come from their shame or discomfort or just not knowing how to answer the questions. This can cause a feeling that it is somehow wrong to talk about sex and can trigger shame in the child. If there is an easy flow of information regarding sex, a child is more likely to talk to a parent if they are approached by a predator. There are plenty of books and articles on how to talk to a child about sex. Also, it would be helpful for parents to overcome their own sexual hang-ups.

Children need to feel safe talking to parents about everything and anything. Honesty needs to be rewarded, not punished. They need to know that making a mistake or doing something wrong does not make them a bad person. They need to gain the understanding that making mistakes, as well as honesty is expected. Most children will feel uncomfortable when they are being groomed or approached by a predator. Make sure they feel comfortable and safe with you so they can come to you about concerns and how they feel.

Finally, be involved in your children's lives. Know the adults they come into contact with. Talk to them and make sure they know you are very much involved in your children's life. Children with good self-esteem, good sense of self, who feel unconditionally loved by parents, and have a healthy view of their bodies and sexuality, are much less likely to fall victim to a sexual predator.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Surviving Child Sexual Abuse and Thriving

by Jay Tow, M. S.

I will be writing a series of articles on this topic in order to help those attempting to cope with childhood sexual abuse. This is the first of several to follow.

Millions of adults in the United States were victims of some degree of sexual abuse when they were children. In most cases this abuse leaves its affects to a greater or lesser degree. The affect it has on people when they become adults is dependent on many factors. The first factor is the severity and the duration of the abuse. The second most important factor is how the abused child processed the abuse in his or her mind. If the abuse was dealt with at the time, it would have a lesser affect later in life. If the event is buried or kept a secret, it can damage quality of life for many years.

We all know the affects of sexual abuse; depression, anxiety, inability to maintain intimate and trusting relationships, low self-esteem, substance abuse, as well as others. The first step is to stop keeping it a secret and talk about it. Keeping the experience of abuse a secret gives the experience and the abuser additional power and control over you and your life. It is time to take back your power. Start a journal and writing about your thoughts and feelings. Start by talking about it with close friends or start seeing a therapist. Recognize that you did nothing wrong and have no reason to feel shameful or guilty about your experience.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Practical Advice

June 10, 2012

by Jay Tow, M. S.

If you have a situation or issue to deal with or overcome work through it the best you can and move on. As much as we would like to have do overs or an easy button, there are none. Life is too short to dwell on the past and be miserable. We all find ourselves in situations we don't want to be in. We are all human and make mistakes. Developing the life skills to navigate life is very important.

If you have a topic you would like to me to discuss, please contact me.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overcoming Adversity

June 9, 2012

by Jay Tow, M. S.

In the corporate world there is a saying. "There are no problems, just opportunities." I totally disagree. There are problems that come up for all of us. We cannot avoid having problems arise in our lives. Some of these are small inconveniences while other problems can be quite significant and sometimes life altering. But, the fact remains that we all encounter problems.

We have choices to make when issues arise. We can avoid facing them. We can find a way around them. We can allow ourselves to fall victim and allow it to keep us from progressing in our lives. We can also face the problem, deal directly with it, and move on no matter what the outcome. The outcome is not completely in our power to control. What we do is in our control.

Sometimes we have difficulty seeing the problem for what it is or how to deal with it. Reaching out for help is a powerful tool. Many people think that seeking assistance or help somehow makes us weak individuals. Knowing when to seek help and doing so is a powerful and useful tool for solving and overcoming problems. Support is very important for all of us.

Seek the solutions to the problems you face. Solve the issue the best you can and get assistance when it is needed and available. Learn what you need to learn. Don't hold on to the issue once it is behind you. This will only inhibit your ability to move forward.

Yes, there are problems. But, many times we benefit from finding solutions and learning from them.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Success

June 7, 2012

by Jay Tow, M. S.

It has been my experience when the thought of failure has not entered my mind, I have experienced the most success. I guess this could mean that thinking of possible failure results in thoughts that subconsciously place barriers to our success. This is another reason to focus on the steps you are taking toward a specific goal and not about the ultimate outcome. In other words, it is good to have goals but best not to focus on the goal.

You are capable of far more than you can imagine.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Power and Control

June 6, 2012

by Jay Tow, M. S.

Just how much power and control do we have over what happens in our lives? When things are going smoothly we feel very powerful and think we have everything under control. That changes quickly when something comes along and disrupts our lives. This can be due to something we did not anticipate or of which we were unaware. It could also be an unanticipated consequence of something we did or said. It can be caused by other people or natural forces.

It is very important to recognize and accept what we have can have power and control over as well as what we do not. Even though we can influence people and events, we do not have the power to control them. Touch the tip of your nose. This is where our control ends. We have the power and control of what we think and do. This very much determines what we feel. We do have control of how we react to events and deal with them.

Make the effort to accept these truths and it will make your life simpler and more easily managed.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Change

June 4, 2012

by Jay Tow, M. S.

One question I am asked on a pretty regular basis is whether it is possible to change things about ourselves. The answer is "Yes" we are capable of changing how we act, think, and feel. Much of what we do and think are the ways we learned to and these have become habits. The next question is normally is: How do I do that?

The first step is to identify what it is you want to change. What behavior or way of acting causes you problems? What way of thinking do you wish to change? You need to start by increasing your awareness in order to start changing. You will also need to find out what you will replace those thoughts or behaviors.

The next step I call catch and correct. Every time you catch yourself thinking or doing what you want to change, you correct your behavior or thinking to what you would rather it be. This takes vigilance and persistence. It takes time to break habits and establish new ones. It will take time.

Some counselors make it seem so easy. These are simple steps. But changing isn't so simple and easy. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. You can do it!!!!!

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What To Do When You Screw-Up?

May 30, 2012

by Jay Tow, M. S.

If you are someone who has never made a major mistake in your life my hat is off to you and I want to know how you managed that. I am one of those people who has made major mistakes (at least from my point of view) and had to suffer the consequences. It can be very painful and set your life back. To be honest, I have had to start over in my life more than once. I have had to change directions and even re-invent myself.  The experience I have in this area has taught me a few things about dealing with mistakes.

Once the action that caused the problem has been done you have little control of the response.  As much as we would like to, we can't take it back.  It's alright to beat yourself up for a while.  It is a pretty natural reaction for most of us.  But, some people take it to the point of affecting life for many years.  That is really unnecessary and self-destructive.  So, give yourself some time and then have the goal of letting that go.  The sun will continue to rise and life will go on.  Your life needs to go on as well.  From my experience, anxiety and depression are the feelings to be dealt with.  There is a grieving period that takes place as well.  Anger is also a part of the process and then acceptance and healing can happen.

I believe it is very important to take responsibility for our mistakes and not place blame on others or make ourselves out to be victims.  You are experiencing something that will stimulate growth if you allow it.

Don't try to avoid or medicate your feelings.  I believe that you can't get past issues without going through them.  Part of being a human being is having feelings.  Many of those feelings are unpleasant.  Part of the healing process is the feelings we would very much like to avoid.  Those feelings will not last forever.  They never do.  Whatever feelings you have will be replaced with other feelings.  Even though it may not be visible, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Avoid trying to find meaning it what has happened.  I don't believe there is a reason for everything.  Sometimes we make bad choices and stuff happens.  On the other hand, I believe that some of the worst things I have experienced in my life turned out to be some of the best things to have happened in the long term.  But I was not aware of the for a long time after the event. Those are the events that taught me huge lessons and changed the direction of my life.  Those are the events that opened my eyes to the inner strength that I have and the ability to bounce back.

Therefore, the next step is picking up the pieces and moving forward.  Accept that you can't change the past and as uncertain as the future may be, you can only do things in the here and now to create a better life.  Try to learn the lessons you can and apply them to your life.  Put the past in the past.  You have a choice to have a story or be your story.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beginning the Process of Recovery

by Jay Tow, M. S.

This is the second in a series of articles about recovery from the affects of child sexual abuse.

If you experienced any kind of abuse as a child you can recover and eliminate the effects this abuse has had on you and your life. Abuse affects the way you see yourself, others, and how you interact with the world. Your thoughts and behaviors are based on decisions you made as that abused child. Part of the process of recovery is to learn to see through the eyes of the adult you are now and not continue to make decisions based on beliefs developed during childhood. A large part of what motivates someone who was abused as a child is to avoid being hurt again. Abuse survivors go to great lengths to avoid pain.

The beliefs and thought process I have been referring to is not done consciously. Just like most behaviors we repeat again and again, the thoughts have been so internalized that the process takes place subconsciously. When people get to the point of realizing that how they are living life is not working for them, they have little awareness of what thoughts and beliefs are the source of the problems. We can only experience life from our point of view and have difficulty recognizing alternative ways of thinking and behaving.

Most people have an automatic thought process (an internal conversation) that determines their mood and how they react to what happens to them. In order to change something, we must first become aware of what requires change. Increasing this awareness is the first step in implementing the recovery process. Most abuse survivors put a great deal of energy into avoiding certain thoughts and feelings because it feels too much to handle. So, the painful experiences and feelings are buried in order to keep them out of awareness.

The process of recovery does not require people to relive the abuse they suffered or re-experience the feeling they repressed. The process is more about coping and living more effectively in the here and now. You cannot change the past, so why go back and relive it? The goal is to develop healthier and more affective coping skills and live in the present rather than the past. I will discuss some ways of increasing awareness and identifying thoughts and beliefs that require change in my next article.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Improving Your Marriage May Begin with You

by Jay Tow, M. S.

My approach to working with couples has always started with the following:

Two people coming into a relationship with their own sets of issues. They act out on these issues within the relationship.

In order to deal with the issues that may be having a negative effect on the relationship, both people must first work through their own issues. What both individuals need to work on could range from minor issues or major issues like abuse or other trauma.

Most commonly, people who are having problems in their relationship never learned how to have a healthy relationship. They grew up in a dysfunctional family with parents who never learned the skills necessary to have a healthy relationship. Most of us learn how to interact in our close personal relationships by watching our parents. Without healthy role models, we never learn these skills.

Counseling is a very important ingredient to help learn how to have a better relationship with yourself and others. If you aren't feeling good about yourself you can't have a good relationship. Learning about how to get needs met or even expressing what your needs are can sometimes require the help of a professional. This leads to another problem many individuals encounter that negatively affects relationships. Many people are co-dependent. Put simply, a co-dependent's self-esteem is related to the feedback they get from the world. They work very hard to make sure others like them to the detriment of getting their own needs met. Unwittingly, they manipulate and try to control others. They avoid conflict and end up with a feeling of emptiness.

Many people have difficulty with effective communication. They need to work on expressing themselves and make sure they are understood. The other part of effective communication is good listening skills. This is the ability to make sure that you understand what is being communicated to you and the person doing the communicating knows that you understand.

As mentioned earlier, many people have difficulty dealing with conflict and may avoid it totally. All relationships have differences of opinion and conflict. If someone has difficulty resolving these conflicts or denying they exist, anger and resentment can build and seriously damage the relationship. Learning conflict resolution skills is important part of having a healthy relationship.

Fear of intimacy or the inability to have a close and intimate relationship will likely be the cause of problems within a relationship. Individuals who have some or all of the issues mentioned in this article would likely have a problem being emotionally intimate with their partner. If you are not feeling good about who you are you would likely believe that no one could love you if they knew the "real" you. A person with self-esteem or co-dependency issues will more likely try to be the person they think another would want them to be.

Work through your issues if you want to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Jay Tow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's an interview article:

What Sexual Child Abuse is and How You Can Help
What to look for and what to do about it

by JALEH DONALDSON

Yahoo! Contributor Network

May 17, 2010

It's very sad that there are many children who are being sexually abused. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, "Child sexual abuse has been reported  up to 80,000 times a year, but the number of unreported instances is far greater, because the children are afraid to tell anyone what has happened, and the legal procedure for validating an episode is difficult."

To help us better understand sexual child abuse I have interviewed Jay Tow.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

"I have been a psychotherapist for nearly 15 years and in private practice more than 10 years. I am also a Board Certified Sex Therapist. My professional career started as an addictions counselor. This is where I began treating (mostly) women who were victims of child sexual abuse. I have worked with victims of childhood sexual abuse as well as sex offenders (adult and adolescent). I use a technique that can resolve sexual abuse issues in as little as one session. My practice is in Plantation, Florida."

What is sexual child abuse?

"The legal definition of child molestation is "the act of a person who forces, coerces or threatens a child to have any form of sexual contact or to engage in any type of sexual activity at the perpetrator's direction." Child sexual abuse can include touching (fondling, having the child touch an adult in sexual areas, or penetration of a child's vagina, anus, or mouth with a penis or object for other than medical purposes). It can also be non-touching which would include exposing sexual organs to a child, showing child pornography, purposely engaging in sexual acts in front of a child. Child sexual abuse can also include child prostitution or using a child in pornographic material."

What is the common age range of children who are sexually abused?

"Children can be abused at any age. Sexual abuse can start with infants and toddlers."

What type of impact does it have on a child who is sexually abused?

"Sexual abuse can have devastating consequences for children and continue to have a major impact on self-esteem, identity, trust, and general mental health when they become adults. Victims of child sexual abuse have a difficult time with trust, which affects the ability to maintain close relationships. It can lead to substance abuse and self-destructive behavior."

"Depending on the severity of the abuse a child could have urinary tract infections and other physical problems that continue into adulthood."

What are some signs of sexual child abuse?

"Behavioral changes vary by age."

"Signs of abuse in infants and toddlers:

They could cry excessively, vomit, experience problems with eating or bowl movements, and have problems sleeping. Young children may show a failure to thrive."

"Signs of abuse in children over the age of 3 up to adolescence:

They could have a regression to behaviors like bed-wetting, fear of people or places, excessive masturbation, or victimizing others. They could have problems sleeping, nightmares, or could withdraw from friends and family."

The signs of abuse in older children and adolescents:

"They could show signs of depression, have nightmares or problems sleeping, do poorly in school, engage in substance abuse, become aggressive, run away from home, become promiscuous (or other behaviors that are not appropriate for their age), become anxious, or have problems eating, or exhibit anger. They could have suicidal thought or actions."

What can someone do if they suspect sexual child abuse?

"If you suspect that a child is being abused in any way, you should report it to the police or family services department of your state or local area. Remove the child from the possibility of continued abuse."

What type of help is available for a child who is sexually abused?

"Counseling is available for children who have experienced sexual abuse. There are mental health professionals who specialize in treating child sexual abuse victims. You can contact your local rape crisis center. Many localities have crisis/help lines you can call to get information and referrals for mental health professionals who work with sexually abused children. Most of all, the child needs you to be understanding, kind, and loving."

Thank you Mr. Tow for the interview.

Understanding of Sexual Addiction

by Jay Tow, M.S.

What constitutes sexual addiction? This article addresses some common misconceptions. It also more clearly defines sexual addiction. I hope that those reading this article will understand that like all addictions, sex addiction is a progressive disease. It requires more and more to get the same “high” and sex addicts find themselves seeking things that are taboo.

This could result in engaging in illegal sex acts and abuse of others.

People believe that someone who has a lot or sex or appear to be insatiable is a sex addict. I have known couples who have sex daily and have been for many years. At most, I would consider them to be hyper-sexual and not sex addicts. Libido differs from person to person. Having a high libido and liking sex a great deal is not in and of itself a bad thing.Humans are wired to get a great deal of pleasure from sex. If that weren't the case people would not engage in sexual activity as often and have less motivation to procreate.

In order to understand sexual addiction there must first be an understanding of addiction. A person is considered addicted to a substance or behavior if it is done compulsively despite negative consequences. The person has made a number of attempts to discontinue using a substance or not engaging in the behavior and has not been successful. Promising yourself or others that you will quit and returning to the behaviors is a sign that you may be addicted. The reason for engaging in the behavior or using the substance is also an important factor. People who engage in these compulsive behaviors or use substances in order to change or avoid feelings or avoid something that they don't want to face are at risk for addiction.

Other factors that might determine if someone is a sex addict could include engaging in the sexual behavior longer than planned and missing, or being late to, family or work related events due to engaging in sexual behaviors. If your sexual behavior is having a negative effect on your job performance or your relationships you may want to consider that you might be developing or already have a sexual addiction. Isolating from family and friends in order to engage in sexual behavior could point toward a sexual addiction.

People who masturbate compulsively could be at risk for sexual addiction. The internet makes it easy to access an incredible amount of pornography that can stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. Many sex addicts spend many hours looking at pornography and masturbating (for some, multiple times per day). Some sex addicts engage in voyeurism or forms of exhibitionism. People who engage in multiple affairs could also have a sexual addiction.

Like other addictions, there is a cycle that exists with sex addiction. The cycle can be broken and the addiction treated. If you or someone you know identify with what has been discussed in this article, they can seek counseling with a professional that has experience treating sex addiction. There are also 12 step programs for sexual addiction (S.L.A.A. and S.A.A.). It starts with accepting that you have a problem and dealing with the issues and seeking help.

Jay Tow