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How To Talk To Your Kids About Sexual Abuse
Looking back on the Larry Nassar scandal, we spoke to experts about how to address these difficult issues with kids of all ages.
by Caroline Bologna
This article is the fifth installment of “One Year Later: Larry Nassar And The Women Who Made Us Listen,” a seven-part series that commemorates the seven days women stood in a Lansing, Michigan, courtroom last year and faced their abuser, former USA Gymnastics and Michigan State trainer Larry Nassar.
Read more installments:
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How To Talk To Your Kids About Sexual Abuse
On Jan. 16, 2018, the world witnessed the gut-wrenching statements of 169 women and family members whose lives were affected by the criminal sexual abuse of former USA Gymnastics and Michigan State University trainer Larry Nassar.
Stories like the Nassar scandal reinforce parents' and caregivers' desire to protect their children from a horror that is all too common.
Child sexual abuse may be scary to think about, but it's an important topic to address with kids of all ages. Fortunately, there are age-appropriate ways to lay the foundation and build on concepts that will help keep children safe and empower them to speak out if their boundaries are violated.
HuffPost spoke to sex educators about how to talk to kids about sexual abuse from infancy to the teen years, and how to recognize and respond to troubling situations if they arise.
Start Early By Establishing Body Autonomy, Privacy And More
Parents can build the foundation of safety from sexual abuse as early as infancy, sex educator Melissa Carnagey said. Using the proper terms for genitals, instead of cutesy nicknames, empowers children to communicate clearly about themselves and their bodies.
“By doing this, parents are creating a shame-free and open home culture around talking about the body,” Carnagey told HuffPost in an email. “Then as the child moves into toddlerhood and preschool ages, parents can help them understand body boundaries and consent by listening to a child's ‘no' or ‘stop' and reinforcing the importance of the child respecting other people's limits as well.”
“Preventative conversations with young children around sexual abuse aren't usually about sexual abuse in specificity,” sex education teacher Kim Cavill said. She encouraged parents to talk instead about the proper names for body parts, as well as body autonomy, body privacy, environmental privacy, how to say “no” and the difference between secrets and surprises.
“Body autonomy means acknowledging each person is the boss of their own body and they get to decide what they want to do with it, as long as they don't use it to hurt someone else or themselves,” Cavill told HuffPost in an email. “Body privacy means teaching children that some parts of their bodies are private and other people shouldn't look at them or touch them. Doctors should ask permission before examining private parts and a trusted grown up should be present.“
“Environmental privacy” means teaching kids about the social norms and expectations around different behaviors, like how to change into swimsuits at the community pool, how to behave in public restrooms, how to change clothes at school, and so on.
Teaching kids how to say “no” is also powerful.
“Children don't always assume it's OK to say ‘no,' especially to adults, because they're often taught to be obedient,” Cavill said. “We have to explicitly teach children how to set boundaries for themselves and support them when they do, even if it puts us into uncomfortable situations, like refusing to give hugs at a birthday party.”
Talk About Feelings
“When children can name their emotions, and recognize emotional responses in others, it gives them the ability to express their needs, empathize with others and to listen to the signals their body gives them, especially when something or someone feels uncomfortable,” Carnagey said.
“We have to be talking about what feels good and what doesn't in everyday conversations,” sex educator Lydia Bowers told HuffPost. “‘I like when you give me a hug, it makes me feel warm,' and ‘I don't like when he took my doll, I felt angry,' give children the language to describe their feelings, which can be critical in recognizing if they're feeling unsafe, scared or worried.”
It's meaningful to help kids practice identifying feelings like fear, anxiety, confusion, sadness and discomfort, and adults should try not to dismiss or minimize those emotions when a child expresses them.
Parents can also teach children about the ways bodies can give warning signs in relation to feelings (like sweaty palms, wanting to cry or feeling the sudden need to urinate) that are important to listen to.
Explain ‘Unsafe Touch'
Sex educators generally consider the terms “safe touch” and “unsafe touch” to be better than “good” and “bad” touch. It may be easy to classify being touched around your private parts as an example of “bad touch,” but sometimes there are natural physiological responses that could feel good, which may seem confusing to young people.
“Unsafe touch” can also cover certain forms of contact that might be “good” in other contexts. “A hug is a ‘good' touch, but if it is coming from someone that shouldn't be hugging you, then it is ‘unsafe,'” Bowers said.
“People can also seem ‘good' but can make unsafe choices,” Carnagey said. “So it's best to use the terms ‘safe' and ‘unsafe,' and base your conversations around the child recognizing the circumstances that affect safety.”
Don't Just Focus On ‘Stranger Danger'
“Children used to be taught the concept of ‘stranger danger,' but the Nassar case is a good example of the flaw in that concept,” Carnagey said. “An abuser is more often someone that a child knows or has some kind of prior connection with, so we must talk to children in terms of ‘tricky people,' a term coined by Pattie Fitzgerald.”
This approach encourages parents to help their children recognize “tricky” or unsafe behavior versus trustworthy behavior.
“People who are trustworthy tell the truth, respect privacy, don't ask children to keep secrets, ask grown-ups for help (not children), give you a safe feeling (not a scary ‘uh-oh' feeling), follow family rules, and ask you to check with parents to get permission,” said Cavill, who created a podcast episode and a worksheet to help parents facilitate conversations about trust. “Tricky people don't do those things, or they do the opposite of those things.”
Emphasize They Can Always Come To You
It's important for parents to “keep the conversation door open,” Cavill said. “Kids will walk through that door to talk with you, but only if it's open all of the time.” Parents can create that kind of environment by consistently welcoming questions and conversations about sex and relationships.
In a lot of ways, actions speak louder than words. The phrase “You can tell me anything” loses its meaning if parents respond to honest questions or information from children with punishments, aggressive reactions, elevated emotional responses or dismissiveness. Parents should be aware of their verbal and nonverbal responses, even when the conversation is difficult ? or children may start to feel uncomfortable sharing information out of fear of the adult's reaction.
“If children disclose abuse, it's important to remember to center the child in the conversation, not the abuser or our reaction to the disclosure,” Cavill said. “This can be very difficult to do, but it's important because reacting to disclosures of abuse with anger, disgust, shame, or denial violates our children's trust, shuts down further conversations, and makes a vulnerable child more vulnerable.”
“The first time I was molested, I was 9. I disclosed that abuse, but was met with denial and a cover-up,” she continued. “When I was subjected to further abuse, I didn't bother telling anyone because I'd been conditioned to expect protection for my abuser and none for myself. This contributed to an overall sense that, deep down, I deserved it.”
Identify Trusted Adults
As kids get older, parents should help them identify the trusted adults in their lives, like other family members, teachers and school counselors.
“Instead of assigning the label of ‘trusted adult' to people in their world, ask the child, ‘Who do you feel you could trust if you needed help?' or ‘Who would you feel comfortable talking to if you ever felt hurt and needed help?'” Carnagey said.
“Having more than one is ideal to ensure they have available supports when needed,” she added. Abusers are sometimes seen as trusted adults (as Nassar was for many families), so it's helpful for kids to have a variety of people they can turn to.
Identifying multiple trusted adults can also help ease the challenges parents face. Just as kids need to know they can be honest about their experiences without being punished, parents need to be honest in turn. That can mean admitting when they feel vulnerable, when they make mistakes, when they don't know things and when they need to seek additional support.
Make It Clear It's Never Their Fault
Kids need to know they aren't responsible for the adults around them, including their parents.
“Because children are dependent on adults to various degrees, they can feel responsible for the feelings and behaviors of the adults around them, especially those in formal positions of authority and those they care about deeply,” Cavill said. “Unfortunately, most sexual abuse happens within the context of close, familiar relationships and the #MeToo movement speaks to how common it is for people in positions of authority to abuse people they have power over.”
Cavill said she reaffirms to her young children that they are responsible for themselves, not the people around them, by telling them: “Mommy's feelings are mommy's job. You don't have to fix them, they aren't your responsibility.”
Parents can build on these messages as kids mature by talking about examples of healthy and unhealthy relationships and family expectations about behavior in romantic relationships. The website Talk With Your Kids offers resources to help guide these discussions.
Just as it's important for children to know it's not their fault if they experience unsafe touch, it's also necessary to talk about respecting the boundaries and consent of others.
It's “not uncommon for young children to experiment with initiating touch that could be unsafe to other children around the same age,” Carnagey said. “Even if that occurs, a child feeling safe to talk about it without fear of punishment, is integral in the process of redirecting the behavior toward safer interactions with others.”
Pay Attention To The Signs
Parents know what is typical behavior for their children, so they can be on the lookout for changes that may be a sign of something problematic.
“I want to make it very clear that there is no minimum threshold for seeking the services of a therapist, or calling RAINN. When in doubt, ask for help,” Cavill said. “That being said, there are some general signs parents should watch out for: sexual knowledge or behavior that is inappropriate for the child's age, regressive bed wetting, a sudden refusal to change clothing or undress, sudden fear of being alone or away from primary caregivers, and an increase in anxiety.”
The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network publishes a list of warning signs to help determine if an adult is molesting or grooming children. These possible indicators of sexual abuse can be physical (unexplained bruising, bleeding or irritation to a child's genital areas, for instance), behavioral (such as talking about sexual acts, as Cavill noted, or suddenly becoming shy about undressing), or emotional (like an increase in worrying, nightmares or fear of being alone).
As kids get older, they start to have more interactions outside the presence of their parents ? at school, in extracurriculars and during play dates. Carnagey encourages parents to set up a routine, uninterrupted time each day to check in with their children so they can stay connected to their kids' experiences and feelings.
“This is great for noticing any subtle or big shifts in their mood or behaviors that can result from unsafe or challenging experiences,” she said. “Keeping an open, shame-free space for talks, no matter the topic, can increase the chance that a child will share with a trusted adult if something troubling is going on in their world.”
Know What To Do If Something Happens
If a child reports unsafe touch, it's crucial to tell them that you believe them, that they did the right thing by coming to you, that they are not in trouble and that the incident was not their fault. Responding with love, compassion and acceptance is very important.
“Children often feel that they caused abuse, and perpetrators sometimes put the blame on the child,” Bowers said. “Reassure a child that they are not to blame, that they are loved and safe.”
There are many helpful resources to help guide survivors and the trusted adults they tell about the abuse. RAINN and the organization 1in6 run hotlines and online chat services. Other organizations focus specifically on child sexual abuse, like Childhelp, National Children's Alliance and Stop It Now! Cavill noted that if you feel a child is in immediate danger, you should call emergency services.
“Honest communication is important to maintaining trust and openness after a disclosure, so this can mean letting the child know that you may have to share the information with other adults whose job is to help keep them safe, like a medical provider if an exam is needed, a police officer, counselor or other trusted support,” Carnagey said. “Keeping a listening ear, without judgment or harsh reaction, will help the child feel more comfortable opening up.”
Carnagey also recommended that parents and caregivers seek out their own support, since disclosures can bring up a range of difficult emotions and even trigger past traumas. A parent or caregiver may feel tempted to turn inward, isolate themselves and allow feelings of shame or failure to take over.
“Parents should keep in mind that what another person may have done to their child was the unsafe decision of that person. It is not the parent's fault,” Carnagey said. “A child who experiences unsafe touch is not ‘damaged.' With support, the child and their family absolutely have an opportunity to thrive.”
“One Year Later: Larry Nassar And The Women Who Made Us Listen” is a seven-part series that commemorates the seven days women stood in Judge Rosemarie Aquilina's Lansing, Michigan, courtroom last January and read powerful victim impact statements to former USA Gymnastics and Michigan State trainer Larry Nassar. Their words made history, forcing the country to finally listen and confront the abuse Nassar perpetrated. This series highlights the people who helped take Nassar down, as well as those he hurt for so long.
Need help? Visit RAINN's National Sexual Assault Online Hotline or the National Sexual Violence Resource Center's website.
ONE YEAR LATER
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