Child Sexual Abuse; a three part series on abuse by Jon Christopher ChicagoNow.com June, 2011 Cassandra's Story - part 1 Continuing with the observance of Juno's month and the collaboration of content with women this deep tour travels to a place that's difficult and unsettling. It's a subject no one enjoys but the depraved, but it's one that must be explored and expressed nevertheless. If women are to voice their interests in this blog this month, then no voice should speak louder than the defense of their girlhoods. Small, naïve, and trusting they're vulnerable to the very worst of predators. Bears and wolves, sharks and gators prey on children with far less frequency than human beings themselves. It's a pathology that's as pervasive as it is puzzling. Regardless of race, region, or economic strata, pedophilia thrives in our society. It's as present today as it has been at any time. Though horribly socially self-destructive, it continues on and on, as if it were a normal and acceptable function of culture--or, at least, an unavoidable evil, the dark side of our sunny selves.

While in recent years a campaign of social awareness has worked to contain this darkness, this illness, our advances in social technology has worked to enhance its spread. The Internet, video, digital photography have made a cottage industry of child porn, which serves to whet the appetite of sexual predators of children.

The organization Lauren's Kids estimates there are 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse in America today. And ironically, the evil comes not from without, but from within. The bad guys aren't strangers lurking in the shadows. They're friends and family hiding in plain sight. 90% of sexual abuse occurs with someone the child trusts. Lauren's Kids goes on to estimate that 1 in 5 boys in America is sexually abused before the age of 18. And astonishingly, for girls it's worse. 1 in 3.

The co-author of this blog is a victim herself and a person who falls squarely in the middle of the statistics. She's a classic case. A textbook scenario. As a little girl, both trusting of and defenseless to adults, she was preyed upon by someone within her circle. Not once, either. Not an isolated incident where an adult momentarily lost their moral marbles and succumbed to twisted desire. No, unfortunately for her it happened again and again, spanning a period that would permanently mark not only her childhood, but her adulthood as well. Child sexual abuse is a psychological injury that may never truly heal. It's a scar that bleeds for life.

Concerned about privacy for her family, my co-author has asked me to give her a pseudonym, a nom de plume, an alias. I've chosen Cassandra, because in Greek mythology she was a gifted prophetess who had a deep understanding of people and society and she could foresee what the future held. Tragically, however, no one believed her. Though she warned of the Trojan Horse and the fall of Troy no one listened to her until it was much too late.

I've divided our interview into 3 sections that will be posted consecutively over the coming week. They are: The Past, The Present, and The Future. This blog begins with Cassandra becoming a victim and a statistic. This blog begins with the darkness of her yesterdays.

DTG: At what age were you when you realized your life wouldn't be like the lives of other little girls? And how did you know this? And how did you live with being different?

Cassandra: The moment I realized my life was never going to be like the lives of other girls continuously replays in my mind like a movie that leaves a deep lasting impression on your soul.

Looking back life was once carefree; days were full of dreamy potential from the perspective of my young mind. My world was not perfect as my parents were always fighting, but my eyes were still wide open to all kinds of wonderful things life had to offer for a spirited little girl.

Everything changed when I was 6-years-old after returning home from spending the summer in the Florida Keys with my beloved grandparents. Unbeknownst to me, my mom was in the process of divorcing my dad while I was away. My home was gone and I was forced to live in an apartment with some stranger my mother insisted I call " my new daddy". She had been on a mission to find a new husband who would validate her personal existence. That was her entitlement for her life of injustice and suffering, so she thought.

Within moments of meeting this stranger we were alone on our way to get ice cream. How this all transpired was a blur and before I could grasp what was happening I was in a strange car on the side of the road. This stranger committed an unspeakable crime under the cloak of darkness. He was a child molester and my mother unknowingly put me in his hands, literally.

From the first wretched touch I knew I was in terrible danger. My innocence was stolen and life as I knew it vanished. I was motionless and paralyzed with fear. I was trapped, isolated and all alone with no where to run. Unfortunately, I learned that day that pure evil not only had a face but also had a name, as I was thrust into this man's seedy world of sexual perversion.

That event was only the beginning of what was to come in the secret and unspoken world of being a victim of child abuse. Being different never seemed to get any easier as time passed. I often had moments of rage, deep sadness and extreme shame and cried while asking over and over again, why GOD why me?

The answers never came and I learned that when your world suddenly changes at such a young age due to an unforeseen circumstance or tragedy you must adapt to the new surroundings for survival. I did not have the emotional skills necessary to rationalize what was really happening to me.

I also learned at a very young age that wavering in between the two worlds of yesterday and today was a very unhappy place to be because I couldn't do anything to change what was happening to me. Nobody was listening, not even my own mother who was supposed to protect me. I became detached and withdrawn--almost like I was experiencing the motions for some higher purpose. I had to hold onto something that was greater than I for the sake of my soul so that one day I could heal in my own time.

Feeling different was an everyday experience. I felt broken, disconnected from my mind, body and soul. Shame hung on me like that of a heavy winter blanket; I was terrified that everyone could see through me as if I wore the guilt of being a victim sexual abuse on my face. Every day had become the same. Anxiety was constant and the slightest touch became horrifying. I did became very good at becoming two little girls as I was an actress in my own life. It was survival, the way things had to be I told myself.

From that moment on I could only imagine what the life of a normal little girl was like. I so desperately missed being innocently hugged and parent/child interactive playtime like piggy back rides, hide-n-seek and dancing but most of all it was being safely tucked into bed with my beloved blanket and goodnight kisses for sweet sleepy dreams. Those kisses were to ensure a blissful night's sleep so I could wake up each morning with a bright smile and fully energized for a new day as a carefree child ready to explore my world.

To be continued...

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Cassandra's Story - part 2

In this second part of Cassandra's Story we explore the present. The questions and answers spoken by Cassandra and I in this blog have to do with acceptance and analysis. We're moving past the admission phase--Yes, it did happen. Yes, I am a victim--and moving into the analysis phase--Yes, it affects me still. Yes, I'm trying hard to control its effect on my daily life.

This is the work-in-progress stage of Cassandra's personal development. And this is the most pivotal point in her journey to a healthy mind and a happy heart. It's here she can easily go astray, just as it's here she can accelerate her progress by keeping strong and staying focused on her road to recovery.

Deep Tour Guide: In your adult life trust must be a big issue, since as a child you were betrayed by your mother when she so freely placed you in the hands of your abuser. How did this betrayal affect your relationship with her in the following years, and how does it affect your relationship with her today?

Cassandra: This is a great question. I've been asking myself that for years. Trust is a big issue with the woman who gave birth to me. I like to think of her now as the pod that grows peas then releases them, no feeling, no emotion and no responsibility. Our relationship was abnormal. She was reckless, thoughtless and selfish. I know now that deep-rooted guilt was the motivation for any kindness. When she did show me love, or she did things that made it seem she was a stable mother, I did feel happy. But, that happiness was followed by rage, then depression. She was a runaway train that always crashed at the highest speed. Her every action had devastating consequences.

After I left home, I was at times free from the chaos that spilled from her life into mine. Sadly, I only knew what she provided me as tools for life, and after they proved to have the same disastrous results as hers, I looked to myself for directions and began following my internal compass.

That's when the truth really began to sink in. It was only after the emotional storm ripped through my life that I could begin to understand the psychological damage. The process of rebuilding while interpreting right from wrong continues to this day. Every day I take steps to release the anger that affects all aspects of my life, due to this untrustworthy birth pod. When I became a mother it sunk in like a concrete piling being driven into soft sand that life was not to be lived in the past, especially with the two beautiful children GOD gave me as a gift to live fully in the moment. It was also a chance to relive the wonders of childhood through their eyes. Oh how life "should" have been.

I have no contact with the birth pod today. I've yet to get to a place of forgiveness, but it'll come one day--so I've been told. The problem is, life with this woman was a constant battle. If the madness had stopped with the abuse at age 11 that would've been tolerable, but her dysfunction continued till I gave her the boot for good. My only regret is I didn't do it a decade earlier--or 2, for that matter.

DTG: You were betrayed by an adult man under the pretense of giving you ice cream . How does this affect your trust of men today who offer you something sweet?

Cassandra: This question made me let out an uncomfortable chuckle. I can start by saying that sweets were an addiction for most of my life. Does it have anything to do with the fact I was promised something sweet and got something horribly bitter instead? It's a strong possibility. I never put the 2 together, but it does make sense that safely consuming sweets, offered by men or not, calmed something looming in my soul. If anything, it made me feel secure when a trusted man offered sweets. So I guess "sweets" pacified the beast within, so to speak, especially when given by a man. Now that I've begun to heal, my insatiable desire for sweets has basically vanished. Accepting sweets today from a man is my choice, not an unknown desire, not some loose connection in my internal wiring.

DTG: Since the abuse continued for years, thanks to your mother's decision to marry the man, in a strange way you had a sexual relationship with your mother's husband, with a married man. How has this experience defined your attitude toward adultery?

Cassandra: OK, this question made me feel dirty and pissed off. DTG knows I'm prone to outbursts. I have a fiery temper hidden below my calm exterior.

I put this question aside and thought long and hard why it was so irritating and painful. I knew from writing if a topic stings like a jelly fish then something was seriously in need of attention. I hadn't known it to be true until I was the one squirming in my own skin. After settling down and going within myself, I confronted the emotions this question brought about.

I noticed a pattern in my relationships that wasn't congruent with my soul. It did not belong to me. It was foreign yet familiar at the same time. This hadn't been clear to me for over 25 years until I was asked this question. Not only because of the disgusting human my mother chose as my stepfather, but thanks to the insane life patterns I witness as part of my daily life I had become an adulterer. Yes, yet another causality of my crazy life.

I've been married twice and I've been unfaithful in both marriages. After destroying my first marriage, I coldly packed my things and left so I didn't have to pick up the pieces, as I'd learned emotions were too risky for the game I was taught to play. My mother facilitated that experience, then she led me down a road of despair for her own gain. I was her pawn. During a moment of clarity, I freed myself from her control and began to recover just like the pattern dictated, or so I thought.

I eventually married again and this time I was going to be the perfect wife, and when I had children I was going to be the perfect mother. I played the part so effortlessly. I was fabulous.

Unconsciously, a darkness was brewing, like a storm, after 15 years of calm. When the atmosphere supported the release of the ominous weather a light rain began to fall and the worst was yet to come. The pressures of "happily ever after" and all the adult realities that come with that childhood fantasy including children, a dog and a cat caused me to snap. I had no identity outside of being a wife and mother and very few functional coping skills relating to a "normal" life. What tiny bit of rationale I was clinging to sat idly by as I heard the rip deep inside me. Before I could stop myself I reverted to my old familiar ways, the ways of my birth pod. I was searching for the love and attention I lacked inside and in my relationship. I was starving for affection. Since affection was hurtful throughout my youth, I didn't know how to ask for or receive joy as an adult.

And so the cycle began with drinking to escape my unhappiness and the emptiness. Drinking made me numb, which made me happy, and affection was effortless. During my destructive charade tragedy struck my world, stopping me dead in my tracks. I took a good look at myself and sobbed uncontrollably. I finally asked myself what the hell I was doing as my life was becoming more awful than the day before. What was important in my life? Was this what you wanted Cassandra, dirty bars, empty souls and an alcohol induced high that was dragging you into the depths of pain, misfortune and hell on earth? God, seriously, was I becoming the woman I loathed more than anything? Yes, I was.

After reality hit I chose to give up being a victim, stop drinking, and seek a counselor. I was going to reinvent myself, not only for survival, but also for the opportunity to life a happy life. I owed it to myself to receive the gift of love. I chose my children and my life over the beast within. The painstaking process of purging the demons of my mother's influence, my past, and the excuses that made all the dysfunction possible, began to fall away. Finally, I GOT IT. Sobriety and acceptance of my faults has transformed a wounded soul into a soul that no longer lives in the dull gray muck of my past.

I've been an adulterer, so I can speak of them. I feel that most adulterers have a deep psychological problem, such as abuse, that needs to be addressed in order for that person to be able to live happily with themselves and with a partner. The problem is that people who are wounded settle for what they feel they deserve. Or they stay in an unhappy relationship or life situation as happiness is one privilege they feel they're not worthy of having. Not true at all.

This thinking is not only harmful and demeaning, but it can prevent one from finding inner peace or finding a true soul mate. If you have been abused and you are willing to seek help to take down the walls that were built for protection, brick by brick, healing can be found. It's not easy, but the journey is rewarding if you can find the strength to just start where you are and take each day one at a time.

There is life after the storm.

To be continued...

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Cassandra's Story - part 3

And finally we've reached the conclusion of Cassandra's Story by addressing the future. And yet, in doing so we're only just beginning. Sure, this blog is concluding, but Cassandra is at the start of a new journey she set in motion by disclosing her secrets, intimating her feelings, and articulating her hopes and her dreams without fear of ridicule.

No, this isn't a good-bye. It's a hello. It's an introduction of the reinvented person Cassandra has become. She's redefined herself by demonstrating the courage to cross the threshold of fear and step through the door of learning about her past, present, and most importantly, her future. Because it's perspective, it's attitude, it's expectation about one's tomorrows that defines yesterday and today. For without optimism the mind can slip into a gloomy state, casting clouds over the heart, preventing the sun from shining on our goals as we lose belief.

Cassandra has proven she won't. Her tomorrows will be sunny and her goals will be met. She has vindicated her namesake. The prophetess of Greek mythology has become the realist of her age. She's retrained her mind by permanently posting a blue sky over her heart, as in this blog, and in her life, she has rewritten her story. A tragedy has become a comedy, because today the lady laughs at her demons and ignores her hecklers and naysayers.

Deep Tour Guide: As a mother with a great deal of personal understanding on matters of sexual abuse, how will you educate your children about sexual predators without undermining the necessary naiveté of youth?

Cassandra: I finally tested positive on one of the many pregnancy tests I took while desperately trying to conceive a little one. And the first thing out of my mouth was: "I'm pregnant... Oh shit, how can I protect my babies! My children will never live as I have !"

Through tears of joy, fear and shock I realized there was no turning back from a baby as I made promises to the life that had just begun to form inside my belly. Fantasizing about my future family, I experienced phantom emotions that rolled in and crashed like waves on the shore. Deep issues were on the horizon of the open waters of my mind. I'd have to talk about my abuse one day. OMG!

My experiences have taught me as a parent you must be alert to all signs, even when your children can't talk. Just because they can't talk doesn't mean they can't communicate or express fear and show signs of abuse. I had to learn how to let my children live without my fears interfering with their innocence.

The actual conversation concerning sexual abuse and predators was introduced by a pre-school. A little black and white pamphlet was sent home in my child's backpack. This pamphlet offered me the greatest opportunity to approach this subject with a grass-roots program called: Strangers Can't Touch.

The content of the pamphlet was for young children, written with simple words they could understand. It stated that strangers couldn't touch them anywhere their bathing suit covered your body. Not even their parents or caregiver could touch them except to wash them or help them with potty training. That was my cue to explore this important message. With one child on each leg I clumsily discussed how important this message was. I'd fearfully anticipated for years how, when, and where this conversation would take place and if I'd be able to effectively discuss the topic of abuse to my own children. I did the best I could as their attention span was about 1 minute. But it was all right, because I wasn't fully prepared to go down that road, not just yet. But on the other hand, I had to begin somewhere.

That was 5 years ago. As they get older the message adapts to the appropriate age, but my experience allows me to be tactful and direct while teaching them life and soul saving skills. They're still young so I allow them to express their concerns as innocent children do.

Here's a good example; the other day my children and I were talking about the potential dangers of predators as plans for a sleepover were being discussed for the upcoming weekend. I allowed them to elaborate on how they would use their Karate skills to defeat a threat to their safety. What they acted out showed me how naive they really were to the dangers of the world. I calmly told them they were no match for evil and they needed to trust what I said to avoid it.

This seemed to fall on deaf ears. They argued they could overcome danger with their choreographed defense skills. I laughed. What they demonstrated would barely hurt the cat asleep on the couch. I changed the subject. I kissed their sweaty little heads and told them to go play. To this day they don't know what Mommy experienced, but it's inevitable one day they'll put the pieces of my life together. But for now they see Mommy as their rock of love, support and strength, someone who's down to earth, someone who makes them laugh till they're breathless.

DTG: And later, when your children are of age, how will you encourage them to be positive about entering sexual relationships without your negative experiences affecting them?

Cassandra: I've not revealed until now that I have two happy, healthy little girls. When my girls reach the age of "those" issues they will have one incredibly valuable life tool that wasn't afforded to me when I was a little girl. My little girls have a strong father figure, they have a daddy. My mother pushed my father out of my life and took that away from me. I'll add to this topic that sometimes stepfathers can be better role models than birth fathers. It depends on the circumstance and the individual.

During the formative years before the questions of sex and sexuality become a conversation, it's helpful for young girls' emotional development to have a strong father (or stepfather) as their male role model. In having a wonderful father they'll have the opportunity of several years of interaction that will reinforce a proper father/daughter relationship. This relationship creates a healthy foundation for the future with real life experiences founded on a strong male merits. Yes, that was part of my research as a woman, wife, mother and student of healing.

I've been, at times, neurotic about random things concerning my girls' safety. Their father will never understand what I experienced, but he does understand why I react to certain situations. I know things as a victim that can actually protect my girls. I reiterate that he must trust me when I'm passionate about a particular circumstance. I'm sure the times ahead with two teenage daughters will be more difficult. If they're anything like Mommy they'll definitely be a handful, as I thought I knew it all. It serves me well now, but I'm sure in my youth I wasn't easy to deal with. No comment from DTG, please.

GOD gave me two precious girls. I can not lie and say this was not, in a way traumatizing as my thoughts often drift back to when I was a little girl. But I was given a gift. The gift was a hidden "reset" button that eases the trauma of my past. Through the daily lives of my girls just being themselves I see amazing joys through the eyes of a child. These are the joys in life I missed. Each day I learn as they learn, laugh as they laugh, and discover what unconditional love feels like.

DTG: And lastly, why are you responding to the Deep Tour Guide? What do you hope to accomplish by answering my questions? Why are you being so candid, and why are you taking such care in writing about a subject most victims of sexual abuse wouldn't even speak to a friend about, let alone broadcast across the Internet in a blog?

Cassandra: I'm responding to DTG because I want to change the world! Well, when I was young that's what I wanted to do. Now that I am older and wiser and more realistic, I want to change the thoughts of anyone who has suffered the damaging effects of sexual abuse through healing words and writing.

I'm being so candid and taking such care in writing about being a victim to prove to myself and all the other victims of sexual crimes that shame is not our burden to carry. Healing and living are what victims can do to save their souls from the depths of despair. Being a victim is not a sentence of doom.

A little over a year ago I was inspired by a young woman by the name of Angela Rose. I met Angela while she was on vacation in Florida visiting her dad. Through her experience with sexual violence in the suburbs of Chicago she started an organization called PAVE-Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment in 2001. I was so impressed with her candid strength and courage to heal while helping others that I began to really look at my own journey of healing. I realized at that moment that healing is in the power of speaking out to make a difference.

If 1 person is enlightened by the story I've shared, then I will have fulfilled my heart's desire. Perhaps there is a mother or father struggling with their own identity and demons of abuse and this awakens them so they can find a professional counselor to heal their wounds, again I will have fulfilled my heart's desire. And most importantly, if a parent, grandparent, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, neighbor, teacher or any other person sees or knows of an abusive situation, I can only pray that they'll take the educated steps, with evidence (no false accusations with harmful or selfish intent) to notify the proper officials. Only then can one or more children be saved from a life of sadness and violation at the hands of a sexual predator.

In closing of this blog, I'd like to say that we can't change the past but we can educate ourselves and our children for the future. Knowledge is power, and pure-hearted power is the essential element needed to facilitate positive change. Our future can be written any way we choose and life can have a happy ending no matter what stands in our way. We have free will and we have a choice. There's so much in life we can't control, but it's how we deal with adversity that makes all the difference.

Trust me; this is one lesson I had to learn the hard way. I'm still a work in progress. I now have the courage to follow my dreams and by succeeding in those dreams I'm working on forgiveness for the two people who hurt me the most in my life. That, to me, is the ultimate test through the journey of healing. Forgiveness sets your soul free, but it doesn't excuse the actions of those who hurt you.

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