He Reports Every Scraped Knee, So Why Not Mention Sexual Abuse by Teacher February 29, 2012 by Jill Starishevsky A Mom went to the park this weekend with her six year old twins. She sat on the bench, pulled out her newspaper and within minutes, her little boy came running over to tell her he fell down. With tears in his eyes, the child showed his mom the scrapes on his knee from where he had fallen off the slide. The woman seemed well-prepared to handle the incident. She cleaned it up, kissed the boo boo and within seconds the little boy was off to play again. I wondered whether it was the reassurance of hearing his mother say "All better," that enabled him to resume his activities. It reminded me that typically, children tell us when they are hurt. My thoughts quickly turned to the situation at the Miramonte School district, the many recent incidents in New York City schools and the factors surrounding the Penn State case. If children are so quick to tell a parent of their minor scrapes, why is it that they often keep silent when they are touched inappropriately?

As a prosecutor of child abuse and sex crimes in New York City for the past fifteen years, the answers come rather quickly to me. Why don't children tell?

When a child scrapes his or her knee, no one says to that child:

How can we talk to our children so they will tell us if something happens to them?

It starts by understanding how to talk to children about their bodies in a way that is not scary. Start with the conversation about head, shoulders, knees and toes. Be certain to identify the correct terminology for their body parts. As children approach the age of three, this conversation should continue. Children should be taught that their bodies have private parts that are not for anyone else to see or touch. Again, be certain to teach the correct terminology for the body. A child who can only identify their private parts by a nickname may be more reluctant to make a disclosure because they are embarrassed to share the nickname they use. A funny moniker might also cause a disclosure to be missed. The 5-year-old who tells her busy kindergarten teacher that the janitor licked her cookie, might simply be given another cookie rather than the help she is seeking. Children should be taught to tell a parent or safe adult if someone touches them inappropriately.

How do we encourage children to confide in us?

One tool to enable your child to share something difficult with you is to teach them how to approach the subject. Tell your child they should come to you and tell you they have something to tell you that they are scared to tell. Then you as the parent can help the child tell what they need to say. In an effort to have adults relate to why it is so difficult for a child to disclose sexual abuse, a colleague of mine who teaches child sexual abuse prevention asks the parents in the room to turn to the person sitting next to them and tell them about their first sexual experience. Very quickly the parents understand the apprehension involved.

What else can I do to reinforce the message about body safety?

Use incidents in the news as teachable moments : Has your child asked about Penn State or other cases in the news? Has something happened in your community? Explain to your child that an adult (teacher, teacher's aide, coach, custodian etc.) touched a child in a way they should not have. The child was very brave and told someone. Now the adult will not be able to touch him or other children any more.

Practice what-if scenarios : Ask your child how they would react if someone touched them on their buttocks. Ask them why would they react that way. Ask them what would they do if someone offered them a treat or gift and told them not to tell you. Help your child arrive at the right answer, which is to say no, and ask you first. You can also point out that this scenario violates two rules: tell Mom or Dad whenever given a gift and no secrets. Parents should note that giving a child a gift and asking them to keep it a secret is a very common step in the process of grooming a child for sexual abuse.

Any other advice?

Don't panic - Children can smell fear and may be less inclined to come to you with a problem if they sense it makes you uncomfortable.

Do not show anger if a child makes a disclosure - children may mistake your anger as being directed at them. Children often disclose incrementally. If they sense your anger, they may not tell you everything.

Ask a child if they have any questions for you - You may think you have addressed everything, but unless you ask, you won't know what questions your child has.

10 Tips to Keep Children Safe :

1. Teach children correct terms for body parts. 2. Teach children no one should touch their private parts and they should not touch the private parts of others. 3. No Secrets - Abuse thrives on secrecy so open communication is one of the best prevention techniques we have. 4. Identify Safety Zone Person -Teach your children that they can come to you to discuss anything, even if they think they will get in trouble. Convey to them that you will listen with an open mind even if they were doing something they should not have been doing. A safety zone person can be a neighbor, family member, religious official or anyone who your child feels comfortable confiding in should something happen to them and they are reluctant to discuss it with parents.

6. Let children decide for themselves how they want to express affection.

7. Teach children it is OK to say No to an adult who is trying to hurt them.

8. Do not ask a child every day if they have been touched. Children become desensitized to the question. A child who has said answered no for the past 6 months will likely continue to say no even if they have been touched out of fear of the parent's response to the change in answers.

9. Remember that perpetrators of child sexual abuse can also be other children. All lessons should apply to anyone who might touch the child inappropriately, whether adult or child.

10. Believe your child if he or she makes a disclosure. It is the role of a parent to be supportive and obtain help for their child. It is the role of the police to investigate child sexual abuse allegations. Tell your child it was not their fault and that you are proud of them for telling you.