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National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
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NAASCA wants to hear from you
EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a grassroots non profit effort, dedicated to bringing an end to the scourge of child abuse in America. Our primary mission is to help people get into recovery from their childhood experience.
We encourage you to write us with your thoughts. We especially want to hear of your experience strength and hope |
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The Molester
art by Mia Meadow |
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Someone You Love Is A Child Molester
by Kathleen Tell
First, let me extend my sincerest sympathy to you if you are, as I was, in love with a child molester.
You are in an unbelievably difficult position and your choices of where to go from here are bleak.
I know. I have been where you are now.
Let me help you by telling you what I have learned.
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You have to turn in your family's child molester.
You do this because you must. You lose everything if you don't. Let me explain, in a clear manner, the position you are in. Someone you love, whether it is your husband, your father, your brother, your sister, etc., is abusing your child. Whoever is abusing your child knows that what they are doing is a crime. Knowing that, they still choose to abuse your child. They enjoy having power and control over someone they can dominate and manipulate. They like abusing children and they won't stop. If they tell you they will, they are lying to you.
A child molester will tell you anything you need to hear to keep you from turning them in, because a child molester can only survive in secret.
Once you tell, you start to take away his power. The more you tell, the more you empower yourself and your child. If you tell the police, you take the first major step in protecting yourself, your family and your child. You give yourself and your child a future. |
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Child Molesters Lie
You need to face the facts and know: it wasn't a one-time thing. The child didn't want him. And he may have been drunk but he did know what he was doing and with whom he was doing it. Think about it. When was the last time you had no idea who a close family member was, especially a family member with whom you are having sex? This is not some person he/she picked up at a bar for a one-night fling. This is your child.
I don't care what excuse he has given you for why he molested your child. It is a lie. I don't care what his story is. It's a lie. Your family's child molester desperately needs your cooperation to continue molesting your child. You can give him that by keeping quiet while he torments your child sexually and emotionally. I am sure he is good about not doing this in front of you, at least in the beginning, because he does not want you to tell anyone. People don't like child molesters, no matter how charming they are.
You need to think of your family's child molester, as you would view a family member who is actively addicted to drugs. A drug addict will tell any lie, cross any moral ground to be able to continue doing drugs. Nothing is sacred to an addict when they need a fix. You know this to be true of a drug addict. The same is true of a child molester. They are fixated on the child. They will go to great lengths to fulfill their need. I know you do not want to believe this of someone you love, but this sickness is part of him or her.
I know it is easier to lie to yourself. It is hard to let go of your dreams of family and face your reality, but you must. Do not bury your head and think this was a one-time thing. It wasn't. Don't think that you can protect your child from this person. You can't stand guard 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It's not possible, any more than it would be possible for you to keep a drug addict away from his addiction. You must get help for your child, for you and for the child molester.
Your child is not the first child he has molested.
The main point you are trying very hard to believe is that your loved one is not a bad person, not a predator. You wouldn't love someone that was. Unfortunately, life is not that black and white. Child molesters can be very personable. They can be exciting, fun and lovable. You can love them because they are so good at covering their secret desires. Just like someone can hide their addiction to drugs, a child molester can cover his sexual preferences.
If you could look inside a child molester's mind and hear his thoughts about your child, you would know. But you can't. You can't know how many children they have molested and abused before your child. You can't know how many times they fantasized about having sex with your child. You can't know they think less of you because you believe the things they tell you. A child molester is not going to tell you these things because you would take action to protect your child. A child molester wants you to think your child is safe with him. A child molester wants you to cook his dinner, bring home a paycheck, do his laundry, whatever.. and keep your mouth shut. Your job is to NOT interfere with him and his activities. He will do whatever he needs to do or say to get you to comply.
Your Family - Saving What's Left
You need to know that your family, as you once knew it, no longer exists. The child molester has already poisoned it. There is no such thing as a happy, loving family living with a child molester on the prowl. It is not possible. Without intervention, the child molester simply moves on to molest someone else, usually another family member. It's just so convenient for them.
You must turn in the child molester or you will lose your children. They will not grow up, come home for Thanksgiving and sit around the table reliving happy childhood memories. Any happy memories will be completely overshadowed by the abuse they endured. More importantly, they won't have happy memories of you. Your children hold you responsible for not protecting them, for letting the child molester abuse them. They won't tell you that, but they do. And they should, because you are the adult. It is your job to protect them from evil at home, at school, everywhere - but especially at home.
If you want to save what is left of your family, you must report the crime. It is vital for your relationship with your child. It is your path to normalcy, to happiness. Really, I know what I am talking about. Remember, I have lived this life and come out intact on the other side, as have thousands of others. You can too.
Why must you turn in the child molester?
You do it for your child. Your child has been a victim of a crime and needs your help. Your child feels ashamed and confused. Your child is afraid you won't believe them or that you will hold them responsible for the abuse. Your child has been threatened by and is frightened of the child molester. They believe the child molester will hurt them or someone they love if they tell. Your child has been told that he/she is responsible for the safety of their family. Your child has been told all these things by their child molester to keep them silent. Your child thinks they are protecting you by their silence. That is their sacrifice for you.
How will you respond? It should be to stop the abuse. Call the authorities. Then keep the child molester away from your home and your child. Know that the molester will be after the child to stop them from telling. Do what you need to do to protect the child when you can't be there. For us, that meant my child moved out of our home and into a friend's house across town so he couldn't find her.
If you don't turn in your child molester, you are telling your child either that you don't believe them or that you don't care that they are being abused. One way or the other, the message you will be sending is that you don't care enough about them to stop it. Can you imagine how heartbreaking that must be for your child? Know this: your child will have their entire lifetime to think about the abuse and your role in it.
By turning in your child's abuser, you're telling him/her that what happened to them was a crime. That you believe them and know the crime committed against them is so horrible there have been laws put in place to punish the person who would do this to them. Your child would know that society thinks badly of the child molester, and not the child. The child is a victim who survived. Your child should be given the help and counseling he/she needs, not made to feel dirty and ashamed. Don't make this their dirty little secret. You would turn in a man that stabbed your child. Why wouldn't you report a person who sexually abused your child? You preach, "doing the right thing". Show your child that rule applies to you too.
Don't choose silence. Your silence tells your child many things. Your silence lets the child know their suffering was nothing to you. Your silence lets your child know you don't care, that you don't love them. Your silence says you hold them guilty for the abuse. Your silence lets your child know you think they are dirty, guilty, and marked for life.
Let me tell you about silence. In the silence of the night, your child was assaulted. The assault was silent, so no one would hear. Your child was ordered to be silent, to stay silent. It is very likely that the molester told your child that you too, would be silent. Imagine, for a moment, the horrible terror this silence has brought to your child. Stop the silence. Save your child.
Know there is life and happiness afterwards.
There is life and happiness after child abuse - you have to find it. I know you can't see a happy ending, but it is there. It has been years since my daughter was molested. It was a rocky road, but I found my way out of the lies and my daughter found hers. We have not only survived but also become good friends. Who would have thought?
I have written this to you in the hopes that I could save you from making all the mistakes I made. I hope you will do the right thing and stand up for your child. Admit what happened. Report the crime and by doing so, save yourself, your child and maybe, your family. You will be glad you did.
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Anguished Girl
art by Mia Meadow |
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REPORTS & STATISTICS
1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 14. -- Source: Hopper, J. (1998). Child Sexual Abuse: Statistics, Research, Resources. Boston, MA Boston University School of Medicine.
1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 16. -- Source: Hopper, J. (1998). Child Sexual Abuse: Statistics, Research, Resources. Boston, MA Boston University School of Medicine.
The average serial child molester has between 360-380 victims in his lifetime. -- Source: South Carolina Forcible Sex Crimes. (1999). Summary, South Carolina Law Enforcement Division, Columbia, SC.
The most common ages of children when sexual abuse occurs are between 8 and 12. -- Source: David Finkelhor et al, A Sourcebook on Child Sexual Abuse, Newbury Park: Sage Publications, 1986
21.6% of women who reported being raped during their lifetime were under age 12 at the time of their first rape. 32.4% of these women were 12-17 years of age. Therefore, over half of all female rape victim/survivors surveyed in this study were under the age of 18 at the time of their first rape. -- Source: Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, (NCJRS) 2000 (www.ncjrs.org/pdffiles1/nij/183781.pdf)
For the vast majority of child victimizers in State prison, the victim was someone they knew before the crime. 1/3 had committed their crime against their own child, about 1/2 had a relationship with the victim as a friend, acquaintance, or relative other than offspring, about 1 in 7 reported the victim to have been a stranger to them. -- BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.
1.8 million of the 22.3 million adolescents in the United States have been sexually assaulted -- Source: Kilpatrick, D.G. and B.E. Saunders "The Prevalence and Consequences of Child Victimization: Summary of a Research Study by Dean Kilpatrick, Ph.D. and Benjamin Saunders, Ph.D." National Institute of Justice, U.S. Department of Justice, 1997
"There are 400,000 registered sex offenders in the United States, and an estimated 80 to 100,000 of them are missing. They're supposed to be registered, but we don't know where they are and we don't know where they're living. -- Source: Ernie Allen, President of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children to co-anchor Hannah Storm on The Early Show |
These statistics mean you know a child molester.
You know a child that has been or is being molested.
You probably know more than one. |
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